So, Naoko again, for the 3rd time, decides to call it quits and to breakup. I had already been on the fence about whether I should continue my relationship with her anyway. While the LDS society itself prohibits alcohol and tea from one’s diet, I like the freedom to choose as I like. While I actually admit that I should probably quit drinking all forms of alcohol, I refuse to believe that caffeine is poisionous to the body. Not to mention that drinking is socially required as a part of my work. I have to meet with others at the bar. While I absolutely HATE tobacco, I will tolerate it only if it will help me in my career.

I had been thinking about how this would effect the relationship with Naoko if I were to marry to her. I’m certain that she would hate it.

Why was I “already on the fence?” Aside from the above, here’s a list:

• Treated me like shit on my birthday and bothered to give me a thoughtless, crappy gift. What?!!? Especially after I gave her １０万円 with the understanding that I would never see that money again. (I figured that she could never afford to anyway...) I understood the risk that she could break-up anytime and I would lose my invested interest. However, at the time I was lead to believe that she didn't have enough to live on for the next month.
• Without telling me in advance for my birthday that I must sleep alone in a Hotel. She made up a story about an old futon that she had to throw away. But when I visited her apartment, she had a futon that I could have used. In any case, she said that I could not even *just* sleep on the floor. I was hoping to save a bit of cash. But ended up wasting it on a place to stay. I felt like some stranger coming to meet with her. Then she adds that she was mad at me and that's why she didn't want me to sleep in her place.
• Left me at the church without personally telling me that she needed to visit with a client. Then not call me or answer my calls for two hours. That's just rude!
• Then the \"new debt.\" Had to pay ２２万円　（or was it ２６万円??） for an old student loan. I've asked her before if she had any debts. She said \"no...\" But then she explained that she had scheduled it for monthly payments of １万５千円... Hmm... sounds fishy.
• But then, after I felt the situation was understood, I offered to help her some more! (I'm so stupid-crazy!) Not only does she refuse my help, but then says that she doesn't want to trouble me any more. And this is after the Bishop of her church helped her out. And after begging me for the extra help.
• Tell me that she doesn't (can't) visit Tokyo for Christmas. I had asked her to visit me at my home for Christmas. Perhaps, I misunderstood, but I thought she wanted that too...
< li>She would rather spend Christmas in Nagoya. I would understand this IF it was to be with her family. But in this case, it was for friends in Nagoya. Hmm...
• IF I should visit Nagoya for X-mas, then she said I must stay in a hotel-alone! What??! Again, even the floor is not acceptable for me to sleep on in her place... This would only be acceptable IF her family was visiting her! Or, if I were visiting her family for X-mas. Her logic is more about face-saving than anything else. She would not want me to tell anyone at the Church that I stayed at her place overnight... Boy, would she hate me if they knew she has already \"enjoyed\" sex too! HA!
• Recently, she encouraged me to just find some local Saitama/Tokyo girl to be with. That seems like good advice.
• Long distance relationship takes a toll on the finances and the emotions.
• Seems to *still* not understand me (after spending roughly a year together)... Can't seem to understand why I'm being so cold towards her... Hmm, could it have something to do with her wanting to break up??? for the third damn time!!!??? First time, her fault! 2nd time, my Fault. 3rd time, My stupidity!!! I must not be learning something here!!!
• So, now... I'm having a hard time to keep any trust in her. Surely, after a year of knowing each other. She would have come to a decision if she wanted to continue! Plenty of time to find my faults and decide if she should stick around. How should I know that she isn't trying to be friendly with me in hopes that I will help her financially...?
• ...and BTW... She went to college... got a teaching license. Never pursued a single long-term career. Could not seem to keep a job longer than a year. Seems to be something of an academic -- always learning something, but never applying it. Makes me wonder if she could make it as a home-bound mother... She can't seem to keep a long-term focus - in the professional sense.