This poem came to my mind as I stared into the mirror thinking about my past. Wondering how I can achieve my future goals while being a role model and father to my young twin boys.
There’s a timeline, of sorts, built into the poem - from now to my death (“final day”). It’s meant to be read by my sons in the future as a guide to be successful in life - “Your success is from their gains.”
Below is what I’ve created after critiques from ChatGPT and friends.
Open eyes to the pain within,
Past regrets are like a rain,
What futures have we built for our kin?
A contrast from the past and pain.
Hoping to shape their world for the better,
Overcome my failures, build anew.
I write to my sons with this letter,
To understand the world’s nature too.
Tears reign through my past
like a bullet train blazing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history,
Our actions shaping our legacy.
Like cracked mud in the desert, my face dried.
The cold voice of reason in my ear.
There’s only failure if we never tried.
I’ll stand tall, despite the fear.
The pain is clear with dry eyes,
But others like me, I can see.
No one alone, a life full of ties,
Their solutions can be found in me.
Light pierces our world, the path ahead,
More clear than it has ever been.
Frustrations fuel our drive instead,
Time, the currency we must spend.
Long and narrow is the path to success.
Easy to fail and fall along the way.
Try not to be conquered by the stress
for too soon you quit before your grand day.
In the end, what really matter?
A past recalled in tatters? Or,
the many lives we helped make better,
Their gains our measure of success for sure.
On the final day, when we pass,
I hope you look back and see
our works alone to outlast
the memories we birthed to be.
Forget not, my child, the hard work
to be surrounded by the love you made.
Eyes closing with one more smirk
as the tear of memories played.
Tears reign through my past
like a bullet train blazing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history,
Our actions shaping our legacy.
Here’s the second version I created after ChatGPT’s feedback.
This is the original, first rough draft I created before getting feedback.
The tone starts as depressed, but ends in a lighter mood. The rhyme scheme is already varied and not just ABAB as it changes to AABB in every 3rd stanza. It is somewhat structured like a song as I have a stanza that repeats.
Tears open eyes to the pain within,
Raining thoughts of regrets past.
What futures have I built for my kin?
Their times will be marked by contrast.
Hoping to shape their world for the better,
overcoming my own failures.
I write to my sons with this letter,
imploring them to understand our natures.
Tears reign through my past
like a bullet train blazing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history
completely judged by all, there is no mystery.
Like cracked mud in the desert, my face dried.
The cold voice of reason cuts through all.
There is only failure if one never tried.
Fallen on my face, how can I stand tall?
With eyes dry, the pain is clear…
The suffering is not alone.
Others, I see, like me are near…
Not one does a solution own.
Tears reign through my past
like a bullet train blazing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history
completely judged by all, there is no mystery.
Light pierces our word,
the path forward more clear.
Frustrations fuel machines onward.
Time, the currency we must adhere.
Long and narrow is the path to success.
Easy to fail and fall along the way.
Try not to be conquered by stress
for too soon you quit before your grand day.
In the end, what matters?
A past recalled in tatters?
Or, the many you helped rid their pains?
Your success is from their gains.
The final day to pass,
I hope you look back and see
our works alone to outlast
the memories we birthed to be.
Forget not, my child, the hard work
to be surrounded by the love you made.
Eyes closing and one more smirk
as the tear of memories played.
Tears reign through my past
like a bullet train blazing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history
completely judged by all, there is no mystery.
It sounds like your poem has a specific message and structure in mind. Here’s a possible rewritten version of your poem that attempts to maintain your original intent and style while making some slight modifications…
Open your eyes to the pain within,
Recall the past without regret.
What futures have we built for our kin?
Their time will not be just a duet.
Hoping to shape their world for the better,
Overcoming our own failures.
We write to our sons with this letter,
Imploring them to embrace life’s glories.
Tears reign through the past,
A bullet train rushing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history,
Our path determined by destiny.
Like cracked mud in the desert, our faces dried,
The cold voice of reason piercing all.
There is only failure if we never tried,
Our potential beyond the highs and lows of our fall.
With clear eyes, the pain is still near,
But suffering is never done alone.
Others, like us, are always here,
No one owns the solution alone.
Tears reign through the past,
A bullet train rushing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history,
Our actions shaping our legacy.
Light pierces our world,
The path forward more clear.
Frustrations fuel us onward,
Time, the currency we must adhere.
The road to success is long and narrow,
Easy to fail and fall along the way.
Try not to be conquered by sorrow,
For too soon we quit before our grand day.
In the end, what truly matters?
A past recalled with regret and tatters?
Or, the many we helped rid of their pains?
Our success is from their gains.
On the final day, when we pass,
We hope you look back and see
Our works alone to outlast,
The memories of love and family.
Forget not the hard work,
To be surrounded by the love you make.
Eyes closing with one more smirk,
As the tears of memories played.
Tears reign through the past,
A bullet train rushing fast.
Standing before the mirror of history,
Our story an inspiration to our family.
I kept the overall structure of your poem the same, including the alternating rhyme scheme and repeated stanza. However, I made some small changes to word choice and phrasing to make the poem flow more smoothly and to more clearly convey your intended message. I hope this gives you an idea of how you might tweak your poem to better achieve your goals.
Thank you for providing more context about your poem. Based on what you’ve shared, it sounds like you have a clear vision and direction for the poem.
With that in mind, here is an alternative version of your poem that builds on your existing structure and themes…
Through tears and pain, I look within,
My past regrets are like a rain,
The future for my children’s kin,
A contrast from the past and the pain.
I strive to shape their world for better,
Overcome my failures, build anew.
This letter to my sons, a letter,
To understand the world’s nature too.
Through tears of the past, I can see,
Like a bullet train, I’m racing on.
Before the mirror of history,
My life judged, but my pain is gone.
I stand before that mirror, face dried,
The cold voice of reason in my ear.
But failure’s only where we’ve never tried,
I’ll stand up tall, despite the fear.
The pain is clear with dry eyes,
But others like me, I can see.
No one alone, a life full of ties,
Their solutions can be found in me.
Light pierces our world, the path ahead,
More clear than it has ever been.
Frustrations fuel our drive instead,
The currency of time we must spend.
The path to success is long and narrow,
Easy to fall and fail along the way.
But let not stress your willpower harrow,
Your grand day could be just a day away.
In the end, what will truly matter,
A past recalled in tatters or,
The many lives we helped make better,
Their gains our measure of success for sure.
As I pass, I hope you’ll see,
The legacy I leave behind.
A world of love and harmony,
Memories we’ll cherish in our mind.
My sons, forget not the hard work,
To be surrounded by the love you’ve made.
As you close your eyes with a smirk,
Let memories of tears be gently played.
I’ve made some adjustments to the phrasing and imagery to add more concrete details and sensory language. I’ve also maintained the rhyme scheme and structure you’ve established, while varying the patterns and using repetition in a way that builds a sense of continuity and emphasis. The final stanza is designed to reinforce the central message and leave the reader with a sense of hope and inspiration. I hope this version gives you some ideas and inspiration for how to continue refining and polishing your poem.
It was interesting to get feedback from ChatGPT. While it remains very far from perfect, it’s capabilities are rather impressive.
